THESE ARE NOT IN ANY PARTICULAR ORDER.
1 – Based on no evidence whatsoever, I assume only the worst, most horrible people on the planet use the middle quality gasoline.
2 – I felt bad seeing a spider have to run across a freshly painted wall, but then I realized his cool new orange feet are probably gonna get him a ton of spider-pussy.
3 – This morning at a stoplight on LaBrea, I rolled down my window and spoke to two young, tie-wearing Mormon missionary guys on bicycles. “You do know your God is the least plausible of any of them.” There was a perfect two-second pause of eyes-locked silence and then the light changed and I drove off.
Haven’t stopped smiling to myself all day.
4 – Them: —and blah, blah, blah, I’m living a life beyond my wildest dreams!
Me: Really? In MY wildest dreams, I shoot lasers from my eyes, women wrestle each other in ice-cream to gain my favor and I ride my Sea Monster, “Steady Eddie” while solving ocean-crimes.
5 – To save you guys from a boring phone call, if you answer the phone in the produce department at Whole Foods, because it’s ringing incessantly while you’re buying carrots and shit, it goes a little something like this:
Voice: How are we looking on apples?
Me: (I look over) Not bad. Could probably use some more of the yellow ones.
Voice: (miffed) Yellow ones?
Me: Yeah. Bring some more of the yellow ones out real soon. You’re almost on empty.
Voice: (a little angry) Who is this?
Me: It’s Matt.
Voice: (confused and angry) Matt who!? Where’s Manny?
Me: He might be on break. I don’t really know, dude.
Voice: (firmly) Put Manny on the phone right now.
Me: I just told you I don’t know where he is, man. You gotta ear problem?
Voice: (very angry) Where is MANNY?!?
Me: Maybe he quit cause of your attitude problem. Bring out some of those yellow apples and quit fuckin’ around on this phone.
(Then I hung up on him yelling and left the produce department to complain to the store manager that they were out of yellow apples.)
6 – Dear Man with red mohawk, platform shoes, and Hello Kitty bag at the
Koreatown post office,
We see you.
7 – For the past 13 years me and this guy in my building have always exchanged “Heys.” This morning I threw in a little wave. I’m becoming a real ‘people-person.’
8 – Currently doing an activity and using my amazing power of self-validation to keep it to myself.
9 – If I ever work at an ice cream shoppe, job-fucking-one is going to be creating a solid choreographed serving-dance routine to Soundgarden’s “Spoonman”.
10 – I’m painting the front door of a beautiful condo in Brentwood.
Uptight neighbor man comes by to gives me nine kinds of attitude: What is being painted on this door?
Me: A Goblin head.
Me: So the ravers can find it easier.
Man makes Ted Knight “Buy Bushwood?!?” noise and stomps away furiously dialing on his cellphone. I figure I’ve got about an hour.
11 – If you’re on a coffee date that clearly isn’t going anywhere, I think it’s perfectly fine to lie and say that in the 90’s you were a roadie for “Bon Jovi” and that your nickname was “Hot-Balls”.
12 – Hard to tell through the screaming and cursing, but I’d say this weekend I raised about twenty-thousand dollars doing the ice-bucket challenge on people walking beneath my building.
13 – If you post a picture of your child and it doesn’t get at least 50 ‘Likes’, it means they’ll never be popular and you’re a bad parent.
14 – Note to the people who posted a flyer in this nice condo building:
If you’re advertising a weekend BBQ and you leave sufficient room after the phrase Come Hungry, I will absolutely take the time to write Sluts.gov after it in the same font.
15 – If you get a Christmas card to me after December 25th, it goes right in the garbage, people. I can’t give credit for tardy work.
16 – If anyone in LA needs 400 miserable, screaming babies, my flight lands at 9:45.
17 – Today I was painting next to a bunch of Mexican guys, who don’t speak any English, as they were putting up drywall. I farted loudly and then looked at them very seriously and in my best low whispery Clint Eastwood said, “El Diablo…” They laughed and all day they’ve been calling me “El Diablo” and saying it exactly the same way.
18 – Just saw a heated exchange between a couple of Korean guys at the Koreatown Ralph’s grocery store—not gonna lie, pretty disappointed there wasn’t any kung-fu.
19 – Ladies, I’m looking for underwear recommendations. What brand says “I’m a sophisticated, urbane man, who never wears cologne and sometimes likes to break stuff in the yard with a hammer”?
20 – Y’know, in retrospect, Billie-Jean probably really wasn’t his lover.
21 – In the event a brawl at the Hollywood Honda repair waiting-room is reported on the news tonight—After a prolonged silence, I accidentally, out loud, asked a Crocs-wearing stranger, “Are those your girlfriend’s shoes?”
22 – Everyone can relax. That brief scream was me thinking I stepped on a piece of glass—It was a tortilla chip. I’m totally OK.
23 – If you cut open an avocado before it’s fully ripe, so it’s worthless and too rubbery to ever eat, don’t forget you can always keep it on a shelf as a reminder that Life punishes you for taking chances.
24 – I like my women like I like my Los Angeles weather; about 70 and slightly humid.
25 – “New Marine recruit Jared stood at attention as the drill sergeant approached his bunk for inspection. He sincerely hoped the sarge wasn’t going to make a big stink over his festive balloon-pattern pillowcases. They truly did help him sleep better and he imagined it was probably to the benefit of all parties concerned that he be well-rested for marching in that super gross mud and climbing those telephone-pole net-things.”
26 – I wish VH-1 would do a “Where Are They Now?” show on my hopes and dreams.
27 – JUST GOT DONE BLOWING OUT TWO CASES OF SPRAY-PAINT!!! AND I FEEEL GREAT!! TWO FULL CASES!!! I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND AMERICA!!! I LOVE THE SPRAY-PAINT INVENTOR PEOPLE!!!! AND THESE SPACESHIPS AND THE DINOSAURS DRIVING THEM!!! EVERYTHINBG IS GREAT!!! LOOK HOW GOOD I CAN DANCE TO ‘PRINCE’!!!
28 – Went into this woman’s bathroom in her home and it was so perfect and pristine I decided to just fake-flush and hold it until I got home.
29 – My landlord does not pay for heat anymore, however he does pay for gas which is why my oven door is open and my apartment is set for 350.
30 – “A bucket of potato salad, a large pot of spaghetti, and 4 dozen garlic bread-sticks. Darren was ready to begin carbo-loading. Someday he might do an athletic event of some type, but for now, best to just focus on one thing.”
31 – Someday I’ll reach that level of affluence where difficult-to-open pistachios go straight in the garbage.
32 – Remember to always just be the deepest, truest version of yourself. (Unless I find that annoying, in which case, rein it in, weirdo.)
33 – My retirement plan is to post a video of myself at age 65 adorably dancing to electronica at a wedding or a shopping mall and hope that shit goes viral.
34 – Can’t believe how cheap gas is. Bought a few extra gallons just to dump in my yard.
35 – If anyone in my building is wondering who grabbed the lobby catalog from “Wine Country Gift Baskets” and used a magic marker to change it to “Winey Cunty Gift Baskets”, I have no idea.
36 – If you have six grown men working on your house and you don’t have the foresight to have toilet paper, your sock drawer is going to sustain casualties. That’s just nature.
37 – Probably gonna be the same thing for Halloween this year—home, binge-eating candy in the dark and laughing as disappointed children ring my unanswered doorbell.
38 – Sometimes it can be easy to forget amid the Halloween candy and the colorful, slutty costumes that we’re all really here to celebrate our Dark Lord, Satan’s birthday. #thereasonfortheseason
39 – Either Ebola kills me and I never have to drive in traffic on the 405 again or Ebola kills a whole bunch of these commuters and I never have to drive in traffic on the 405 again—whatever. Let’s do this.
40 – I saw “Godzilla” last night. Thought it was fantastic and I don’t normally like documentaries.
41 – As the timer goes down on the cross-walk sign, I like to roll down my window, rev the gas, and scream out “6…5…4…” for the people crossing. I think it adds an exciting game-show element to their lives.
42 – “For the ninth time, Lisa sifted through and verified that there were indeed no more cashews left in the 5 lb. can of bulk-mixed nuts. She then punched her bathroom drywall, leaving a slight indentation, and spent the afternoon cry-listening to Alanis Morrisette.”
43 – “Chet knew exactly what sort of shit-show awaited him tomorrow morning on the five-hour car ride to Lancaster with his monstrous in-laws, the Cathcarts; pointed, ceaseless, rude questions about his job, his diet, his lawn care, and his lack of prowess negotiating lane changes on I-95.
As he deliberately finished his fourth midnight-bowl of navy beans to which he was horribly, gastrically allergic, Chet allowed himself a quiet smile. “And now, while my silent vengeance digests within me, I short out the car’s power-windows ensuring they stay sealed shut,” he licked the inside of the bowl, “and we all ride down to hell together.”
44 – Two days ago at the grocery store, I saw a grown man stick his face into a head of Swiss Chard and close his eyes while he took a really deep breath. When he came up for air/opened his eyes, he smiled really big at me and did that eye-brow up/down thing.
I haven’t been able to talk about it until just now.
45 – Heading out to CVS wearing “I’m-at-home” clothes.
46 – Dear Pony-tailed man on Sunset Blvd in leather pants, with THREE shirt buttons undone carrying a massage table, I’ve made some assumptions about you.
47 – My guess is the lead singer of “Radiohead’s” diary has a TON of frowny emoticons.
48 – Hey. Just found out everything is gonna work out fine with that stuff everyone’s been worried about, so we can all go back to enjoying ourselves.
49 – I think the greatest gift children give us is using their nimble fingers on tiny almond-udders to coax out the milk.
50 – Sometimes people say, “It’s funny, y’know….blah, blah, blah whatever” but then the “blah, blah, blah whatever” part isn’t actually funny.
51 – I think if I was gonna do it over, I’d just go ahead and inherit a lot of money.
52 – Whole Foods can sell tons of “GREEK YOGURT”, no problem, but just try starting a road-side yogurt stand where you simply add the word “MAN-” in the middle, GREEK MAN-YOGURT, and suddenly the police want to ask you a bunch of questions.
53 – I dropped my laundry detergent and cracked the measuring cup lid. Now I have no idea how much detergent I’m using. This year is gonna be fucking nuts.
54 – I constantly cease to amaze me.
55 – “Bongo doubled-up and went fetal on the lawn while the circle of children laughed. He forgot Clown-Rule #1, ‘Stay vigilant. Every five-year-old is a potential nut-puncher.’”
56 – “Eleven-year-old Nngunchak first demonstrated his different take on life when he dipped his hunting spear in home-made glitter paint rather than poison. His father sighed and shook his head.”
57 – “As the airline announced yet another lengthy delay for the flight leaving from gate A18, Curtis scaled back his ‘To-Do’ list to simply ‘Avoid punching that crying baby in the face.”
58 – One time I kept it real for like 45 mins. straight. Very fatiguing.
59 – Duane: Didja hear about Ol’ Man Wembley?
Boyd: No, I did not, Duane.
Duane: Well, he passed on. Crickets got him.
Boyd: I think you mean rickets, Duane.
Duane: No, Boyd, I mean crickets. Came along, tore out his spine and
feasted on it.
Boyd: ….well, you gotta be real careful about gettin’ them angry.
Duane: Yessir, you do. Lotta of rage inside.
60 – Because they were extremely ripe, I ate 5 bananas this morning. That was a mistake and I know that now.
61 – Important text and nothing but green lights. There is no God.
62 – The most fun part about living alone and being violently ill is wondering whether they’ll find my body before or after my cat has eaten my eyeballs and face.
63 – WHO’S HAVING A COFFEE DRINK THAT NEVER HAS COFFEE DRINK?!?!! IT’S ME!!! HEY-HO, WHO’S GOT A MARCHING BAND INSIDE HIS MIND?!?!! PAH-RUMP BOOM-BAH!!! IT’S ME!!!
64 – Just finished this tai chi class in only 5 minutes by going at normal-people-speed. Everyone in here thinks I’m a prodigy.
65 – I was just in the presence of a crying baby for a full 10 minutes. I’m now in the bathroom giving myself a vasectomy with a can-opener and a stapler.
66 – If I’m ever in court and they ask me if I’ll tell the truth, the whole truth, etc. I’m gonna fold my arms, give ‘em a condescending smirk and say, “Uh, let’s just hang on and see what the questions are first, smart guy, hmmm?”
67 – PART ONE – Which do you guys think is the cooler tattoo?
A skeleton (that’s on fire) wearing the number “13” dunking over a wizard with laser-beam eyes in a stadium full of naked chicks OR a cobra shooting two machine guns while he’s riding a Harley-Davidson (that’s on fire) down a highway made of the American flag into a horizon that’s made out of naked chicks.
(This would be for like a full-chest mural and either way “Lynyrd Skynyrd” lyrics underneath.)
68 – PART TWO – Bad news, you guys.
Unforcho, the tattoo place refused to do either one of those chest-murals on me.
So new choices, what do you like better?
A crazy-ass giant shark (that’s on fire) kung-fu fighting a space robot on top of a volcano while lava pours over a whole bunch of naked chicks OR an enraged gorilla blast-driving a monster truck (that’s on fire) over a black widow’s spider web and there’s a whole bunch of naked chicks in the back of the truck gettin’ drunk.
(And again, either way, really classy font “Lynyrd Skynyrd” lyrics underneath.)
69 – You can’t expect good things to happen, if you don’t post inspirational quotes and pictures of nice nature things, stupid.
70 – Accidentally listened to a few minutes of a Fiona Apple song and now my ears are all covered in lady-emotions.
71 – Gonna go buy some super-fancy toilet paper because if a lady comes to my house I don’t want her to know I usually get by with 100 grit sandpaper and Chipotle napkins.
72 – There are SEVEN people in this grocery store I have had to mentally karate-chop in the clavicle for minor cart and shopping infractions. That’s high for a Wednesday. Get it together, America.
73 – Once the Baltimore rioters read all the pleas to stop rioting in their Facebook news-feed, things should calm down pretty quickly.
74 – “I’m not going to listen to anyone tell me I’m crazy,” thought Sandra. “Nobody except my invisible elf-friend, Mr. Noodle.”
75 – Them: What’s your favorite color?
Them: What’s your favorite shape?
Them: ….Well, like circle, triangle, square…
Me: Nope. Lady-shape.
76 – Me: ….ugh, wha th…what time is it?
My Brain: Oh good, you’re up! It’s 3:26 am…
Me: ….Man, I have to get up in a few hours to paint…
My Brain: Exactly! Which is why I was thinking NOW would the perfect time to review every single poor life choice you’ve ever made!
My Brain: We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s begin with the more obvious horrible boners you pulled in Kindergarten…
77 – Checkout-Lady at Bed, Bath, and Beyond: “Sir, do you need validation?”
Me: “No, I already feel pretty good. Yesterday over 40 people ‘Liked’ a photo of my lunch.”
78 – Just remembered we’re all gonna die and everything’s gonna work out fine anyway, so maybe consider being a little less of a dick this week and just enjoy the ride.
79 – My bucket list includes getting uninterrupted access to a crowded grocery store loudspeaker where I begin, “Here’s what’s wrong with this country…” and it ends in a standing, cheering ovation, news cameras and me being carried out on everyone’s shoulders to the parking lot for 40 days and 40 nights of irresponsible feasting, contests of strength, AC/DC concerts, fireworks, and women wrestling in pudding to gain my favor.
80 – The bad news is that in a week and a half I finished that 5 lb. bag of cashews, the good news is that I don’t have a problem and I can quit any time I want.
81 – So sad. My great-great-great-great grandpa would have been 435 years old today if he hadn’t succumbed to Eldington’s Wagon-Rash. Miss you Quad-G Grampy. 🙁
82 – Pro-tip: If you use the statement, “I think outside-the-box” to show you are “creative”, you actually “don’t” and you “aren’t”.
83 – I ignored an overly personal question from a Trader Joe’s checkout lady by simply stating that my purchases today, a bunch of cans of cat food and a case of mineral water, were being bought because, “I’m making protein sodas to hand out during the LA marathon.” No further questions.
84 – In my mind, I’ve fired every single person ahead of me at these grocery store self-checkout terminals for gross inefficiency and I’m generally a lenient pretend self-checkout manager.
85 – I fear that driving slow when I enter Home Depot’s parking lot, to have people chase after my vehicle, is the closest I will ever get to my dream of being a highly sought-after Univision soap-opera star.
86 – If by some stroke of luck I’m ever appointed the National Fruit Judge of America and I have to choose the fiercely-contested winner between cantaloupe and honeydew melon, I’m gonna hug them both, give them each a medal, and loudly whisper, “You’re BOTH winners in my book.” It’s gonna throw Vegas into complete pandemonium.
87 – Opening a store that makes small Mediterranean sandwiches. “Teeny-Weeny Tahini Panini”
88 – Girl told me she got a case of “Pink Lady Apples” Not sure if I should be impressed she buys fruit in bulk or grossed out that she has an STD.
89 – They say “the sweet release of death”, which to me implies we get candy at some point. So that’s something to look forward to.
90 – Guess today’s the day I acknowledge that there is not, in fact, a tiny garbage-eating Viking inside my kitchen sink and buy drain cleaner.
91 – If my name was Joe and I owned a fireworks store, I would call it Joseph’s Explosephs.
92 – Last week I saw a billboard that said,”Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires.” So, I’ve been pretty busy with that.
93 – Goodnight room,
Goodnight demon-clown man hiding in my closet with a butcher knife.
94 – There are so many shades of gray in the painbow of my mind.
95 – I’d definitely watch the Weather Channel more if shit-storms were real.
96 – If I were a stripper I would call myself “Moody-Rudy the Nude Dude-y.”
97 – I’ve watched enough gladiator movies to know that the guy with the net and the long fork is probably gonna get jacked.